She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
