sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
