if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
