Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
