when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize