I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize