I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
