The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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