Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Actions speak louder than pants.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
