Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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