I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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