when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I CAN MOONWALK!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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