I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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