Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
