I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
