New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
