I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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