Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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