dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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