Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
