Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
