I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize