Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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