Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
