So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
