Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
