She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
