Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize