after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
