last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
whose parrot is this?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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