turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize