What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
