I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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