New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
