I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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