fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
