ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
