1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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