Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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