I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
