I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
These tits shall not be calmed
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