Just fell off a train. Bad.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
