I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
