That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
