Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
