I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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