We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
