Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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