So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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