have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
