I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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