K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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