I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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