I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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