guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
