Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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