Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
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