He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
