Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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