I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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