i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
