How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
