Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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